5 posts tagged “conventions”

Marty the Vamp, the three breasted whore from Mars, and a Gideon walked into a bar...

OK, so it wasn't a bar and the Gideon didn't plan on going ANYWHERE with the other two... but they still ended up together.  Talk about someone's nightmare come true.  The only question is who's nightmare it was.

It all started when some hapless fool in the hotel offices decided to book a sci-fi/fantasy convention at the same time as a Gideon conference.  Yes, Gideon.  The Bible in hotel room people.

You can but only imagine the chaos.

The first time we noticed anything awry was while sitting in the lobby.  Three exceedingly well dressed people stroll in pulling designer luggage.  And freeze when they see Sodom and Gomorrah in their hotel lobby. 

Who knew that Sodom and Gomorrah involved vulcan ears and belly dancers?

The stunned three stood unmoving for a solid three minutes as if stung by a basilisk's gaze.  Could you blame them, though? 

In one corner Belgar the 300 pound belly dancer performed for quite the crowd.  Her jiggling, gyrating flesh blinding in its whiteness.  She might proudly bare it for all the convention to see from the safe confines of a hotel lobby, but her skin never saw the light of the sun.

In another corner Sir Tytus and Sir Galeed duke it out with swords in full chainmaille, explaining the proper etiquette and stances of your typical sword play.  Sir Galeed strikes Tytus's arm and the crowd cheers when they hear, "It's but a flesh wound!"

Mephistopheles and a  storm trooper debate the finer qualities of The Dark Side near the shocked trio.  When Mephistopheles noticed the three he waved as if he knew them well and flashed a smile filled with a mouthful of razor sharp pearly white teeth that stood out in contrast to his brandywine read skin.  I am sure the colour of his skin was akin to that of the sinful liquid they would guiltily guzzle later in a vain effort to self-medicate away the trauma.

And that's when Marty the Vampire entered the room with his snack du jour, er... date.  The blue skinned, three breasted whore from Mars.  What, haven't you seen Total Recall?  Spying the three frozen humans near the door, Marty licked his lips and flashed some fang.

I swear you could see the man nearest the vampire swallow and sweat bead on his forehead.

Marty the Vampire grabbed his companion and slowly lowered her in a deep dip as they began the dance that all vampire victims know so well.  Her head cocked to one side and Marty bit, feasting to her orgasmic pleasure.

And that was it for the three Gideons.  They left their luggage where it sat on the floor, backed up to the door, turned and fled for the safety of anywhere but that hotel. 

I'm sure they spent the next three days in prayers for all of our souls.

--Lady O

Convention season is in full swing, and so my geek photos are on the rise.  Which is great fun, of course!  Me and my camera, we're inseparable.  It's my baby.  I love taking photos.  Sometimes though, it feels awkward to snap pictures at conventions.  To snag someone in the hall to ask for a picture. 

This might surprise some people, but I'm really very shy.  I don't like to interrupt people if they are doing something.  So I just try to stay quiet and not bother people.  Or I try to sneak a picture from the background, unnoticed. 

If you ask me to work for you, I find myself lost in nervousness.  Will I get the picture you want?  How can I best please you?  I ponder what I know about you, your likes and dislikes.  What kind of dynamics you and your family or the current situation holds.

Sometimes I wonder if I over-think things.  If I worry too much about pleasing others.  I really want to please people, find ways to make them happy.  I love the thought of bringing joy to those around me.  Photography is something I can sometimes offer to do this. 

I try to help people out, documenting events.  Currently, I take pictures of church events for the women's organization.  I took pictures at Ravencon of the Masquerade.  And tonight?  Tonight I got a phone call asking me to be the staff photographer at Shore Leave.

To work a convention as official photographer?  To have a badge that proclaims me boss of pictures?  That's kind of daunting.  Kind of exciting.  Am I worthy?  Will I have the strength to take charge and fill this roll?

On the bright note, maybe I can get the pictures that I want and don't always take.  Hopefully I will have some fun ones to post to my Flickr.  Most of the pictures will go to the convention, but I will make sure to get some for posting.  Of course, I think I still have a few from Balticon to post.  I'm such a slacker.

So am I your choice for a geek photo ho?  Do you think I have what it takes to be a staff photographer?  If you see me coming at the convention...

Strike a pose.

There's nothing to it.

Vogue.

-Lady O

Digging my way out of the white page hole that is my word processor, I'd just like you to know that I'm in writer mode once more. I'm shackled to the computer and tormented by a sea of white covered sparsely with little black characters. How did I get into this predicament?

First, I blame Ravencon. While there, I finally gathered the courage to go to a workshop on writing. My first in far too long. Sitting there with a mere 100 words, written in ten minutes, designed to hook a reader into a short story, I felt the clenching of my stomach. The mere thought of reading this aloud, in a room of hopeful writers, in front of a panel of published authors, it was almost too much to handle.

Now, I sit with this hook. A piece of garbage, really, sitting on the edge of the hook. Can it truly land me readers? Will it catch anyone's eye? Nevertheless, I shall overcome! I have committed myself! I will finish this short story. I will even follow Mur's advice on I Should Be Writing. I will submit it. I do not know where. I will do it! I must!

I have set a deadline for myself. I plan to work on it this week. Namely tomorrow while my children are at work with their father. What else am I going to do with my time sitting in his office staring at the cubicle walls?

Now, I did say first. So what else is hiding in the depths of my maddened mind? Perhaps you do not want to know. Unfortunately, you have come this far. It is too late to step back.

The second reason I am in writer mode is far more innocent sounding. My children. You think, oh how sweet. Alas, no! I have boys! How can I get my sons to be excited about poetry? To be willing to write their own? I must work on them with what they like. No Shakespeare Sonnets for these two for girls have cooties you know!

We have embarked on a theme of pirates, princesses, and dragons. Why princesses if girls have cooties? The fiendish princesses came on the back of dragons! Just one more reason why you cannot trust a girl! My boys already plan to make sure their poetry is far superior to any lame princess drivel. They want brave princes! They want shining armor! They want adventure! This is acceptable to me. However, they insisted that if they must write their own poems, I must also submit assignments.

I wrote my first pirate poem yesterday. I must say, of all my writing, that was most surprising to me. I never would have pictured me writing a poem about pirates. Considering how terrible it was, I think I now know why! I shall endure though! Especially with the promise of dragons! Though I might have to throw in a fairy poem at some point... maybe, the boys will not notice!

I leave you now. To immerse myself once more in the depths of word processor hell. Seeking and praying for salvation promised by a finished product.

-Lady Ozma

The frantic scratching of pens against paper rivaled the voice of the moderator informing everyone how much time is left.

"Only thirty seconds left."

Will you finish in time?

"Ten seconds."

The pens moved faster, pouring ink onto the page in a flood.

"Time is up." The pens dropped and collectively the group of writers took a breath. For some, perhaps the first breath taken in the last two minutes. Wiping their brows, the group glanced at one another. How would their stories turn out? Would they be able to win the vote of the audience?

At Ravencon this weekend, I attended a Write-Off. Nine of the guests gathered, all writers. In teams of three, the poor souls then found themselves subjected to tandem writing assignments devilishly thought up by the crowd.

The first three writers made their way to the table, sat, and picked up their pens. The audience shouted out ideas for the group to write about. Given the character of a "gay dutch policeman", the three had two minutes to begin the stories their teammates would complete. The second group continued the story with the setting of a construction site of a medieval castle. The teams wrapped up with the third writer needing to craft a microwave oven into these wild and wacky tales.

Two minutes each. Three insane topics. Can a team of three writers pull it together to make some sort of a coherent story?

The three teams performed well. Each story was creative, and entertaining. For those of us in the crowd, we faced a tough vote. With a determined winner, the three teams prepared for round two.

Ahh, here comes the twist. A fourth team entered the fray, chosen from the audience. We could pit ourselves against the published authors. Dare we try? Can we pull it off?

Two brave women, and I, gave it our all.

The first on our team sat. Her subject? A professional fish salesman! I exchanged fretful looks with my other standing teammate. This would be tough. She's next up.

"Neverland Ranch!" Someone shouts from the audience when the moderator asked for a setting. Things only grew more twisted from there.

I took my place, the final writer in this round. The one who would have to tie things together around... a nose hair trimmer? I groaned. Impossible! Michael Jackson has no nose! I felt doomed.

Biting my lip, I clutched at my pen. The clock began its merciless countdown. Two minutes. A minute and a half. Before I knew it, I was down to only 10 seconds. I placed my last period on the paper as the last second slipped by.

My teammates gathered around me. We studied at our paper, covered in various forms of chicken scratch. After only a few minutes to clean the mess up, we read it to the audience. Graciously, our first writer volunteered for that dubious honour.

As she finished the last line, the crowd roared with laughter. They loved our crazy little story! Better yet, we saw the professional writers cringe. Each of their teams read, and then the audience voted. It ended up unanimously in our favor! The UnPub's!

It is great that so many writers participated, knowing the sort of torture that would come at the hands of devoted fans. You never know what darkness lies in the collective mind of a crowd of people. Thankfully, the writers were good sports and well versed in their craft.

Definitely stressful, I have to admit that this was one of the most fun writing events I ever participated in. Would I do it again? Well, I have been told I'm crazy! Why not?

Read our story below:

"We have a tuna steak that people come from three states to try," said Thomas, eyeing the young couple. "But, you two look like swordfish people to me. Am I right, folks? Am I right?" He hefted an enormous, glassy-eyed fish.

"Oh, we like all kind of fish," said the man, scratching a bushy mustache. "But we're really in the area to visit the ranch." He points at a landmark in the distance. "So, what we'd like to know is - if Michael Jackson wanted a fish, what type would he buy?"

His wife looked uncomfortable beside him. She rolled her eyes. How on earth had she ended u here? Who in their right mind would bring her to Neverland Ranch? Worse yet, who would buy a high quality replica of Michael Jackson's nose hair trimmer complete with jewel encrusted handle in the design of a tulip, a gift from a dutch policeman Michael Jackson had once known?

-Lady O

We are home from MarsCon and exhausted! The convention was wonderful! Best of all it wasn't terribly expensive so we are definately going to have to add this one to our regular schedule. There were some wonderful panels, awesome gaming, and the kids had a blast!

Starting off with the kids activities, they most enjoyed the game room. They were able to play several games of Star Wars miniatures as well as Magic. They played well, and the people they played with had a good time. One of the games that Joram played, he used the other person's figures and put together such a great army that he ended up putting the army in a baggie together for this gentlemen to use in the future. Caramon, and later Joram, played an extensive amount of D&D. There was a huge setup on a couple of tables and painted pewter miniatures. The DM enjoyed working with several children. Caramon ended up winning a monster miniture from the D&D Miniatures game.

Other than gaming, the children enjoyed musicians, art panels, and some science panels. The children went to something on Tessla and so we are going to set aside some learning to do a little bit more on Tessla. The children became fascinated with some of the things they heard. The other thing the boys really enjoyed involved electricity, making chain mail, and monsterology.

I love that conventions are so educational for the children!

My husband spent a majority of his time hanging out in art and science panels.

One of my favourite panels was a write off. Two teams of writers squared off to tandem write a story. They had to include certain, very wacky, markers. We were laughing so hard at some of the tales! I shall never look at jelly donuts or chihuahua's the same again!

While at the convention, we discovered a new (to us) band that was beyond delightful. Check out the celtic band, Coyote Run.

I delved into my inner crafter and turned a mundane barbie into a floral fairy. I might do a little more work to her now that I'm home, we'll see. Odette thought that she was busy transforming from princess into swan, but now she's made the ultimate transformation! She seems very happy now!

I didn't make it to two of the writing workshops I wanted to attend. That is OK. I did get to attend several writing panels and met some interesting new authors I will have to sample. Once my to be read pile is down to a more reasonable size of maybe only 50-75 books!

All in all, Marscon was delightful! Next month it's Farpoint! I'm very much looking forward to Ravencon in April, though, and attended both a planning meeting as well as a party for Ravencon. And I don't even need to mention my long time convention of Balticon, in May.

Namaste!
Lady Ozma